if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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