I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
