whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
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Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
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WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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