Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I just found a bag of teeth...
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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