Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
