I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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