If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
