My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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