some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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