so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
my phone needs a breathalizer
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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