it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
