I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
