please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
