my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
