Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
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I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
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I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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