He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
