I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
