i don't like sucking hair
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I currently don't understand fingers.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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