yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
is that a dick in a sweater?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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