Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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