i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
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Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
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He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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