From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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