Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
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He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
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I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....