Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.