That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Couch. On fire.