Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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