When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
