mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
