I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
