I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
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We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
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I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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