Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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