I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
