I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
