This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
