My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
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