Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
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