Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
