she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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