Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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