i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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