did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
