True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
