remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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