i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
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If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
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The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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