I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
