I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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