Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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