No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
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