I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
All I want is dick and wine.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
