you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
