She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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