Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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