I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
