Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
