he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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