Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Randomize
