the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Randomize
