OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
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when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
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Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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